thankful for you.

i miss you i miss you i miss you.
one more time?.....i miss you.

that thanksgiving post made me very thankful and hit right on
about how i feel. i love being home but whether i am home or at
the dorms im always missing one or the other its crazy, but i love it.
it makes the time more valuable and more meaningful.

i can't wait to see you and hear about your week at home.
mine is going well you know i can't complain i got exactly
what i wanted but still theres something so different about my
times at home now. i hate to say it all revolves around him but it does.
it sucks cause im sick of talking about it so much and for running your
guys ears off but i can never stop myself. i just want to replay this one day
for you so you can see how im an immature baby and screw things up.

so it's wednesday and i go see HP with the fam [which i totally fall asleep
in 203204 times cause i was dead from the night before] but after that we go
to dinner and eric tells me his sister got in an accident. i love his sister, like honestly
love her so of course im worried. so i reply "omg ill be right there dont worry it's
all going to be okay" something along those lines. so i get home and rush over to
his house. i get there and see him and his mom and i know they are scared i can
see it in their eyes. to make the story short she is totally fine just bruised and sore
and same with her friends in the car. the car is totaled thanks to some douche who
was driving without a license or insurance. so this whole time i was there i was just
helping prepare stuff for thanksgiving at their house tomorrow so that his mom could
go to the hospital. then somehow we end up talking on the couch hes telling me about
how stressful his life is and how he feels bad for his parents and all the money etc.
and i tell him about mine how its going to be hard at thanksgiving with the recent
loss of my grandpa [gramps] and start tearing up and just how its been hard for me
to have to appear happy all the time and have to try to be happy and have to tell
myself to be strong. and of course whenever i cry i get what ive been wanting all along.
i finally see him tenderness he wraps his arms around me, wipes my tears, tells me im ok,
and kisses my face. WHY IS IT ONLY PERFECT WHEN I CRY!

now later we were making the beds for the girls to sleep on. i noticed that he took down these
three notes i wrote him that are right by his head on his bed that he would read before sleep
and in an instant hurt and anger start. [heres when i screw up and look like an idiot] soo then
i realize all these notes and letters ive written him are in this bag by his desk instead of this drawer
they were in. apparently he said he took em down the night before after i gave him the ring he gave
me for my birthday back [i wish i didnt its my favorite but i wanted to be dramatic and hopefully see
him beg me not to give it to him cause im dumb] so yaaa i started taking down all the pictures and
drawings and everything of me even though he told me not to. now i wish i didnt cause theres little
to no proof of me in his room to remind him. it sucks. i always do these idiot moves that i totally regret
when i almosst always dont get the reaction i want. so we fought about it but were fine.

idkkkk why im an idiot and this is so long im sorry its just hard when i see him its hard to hold back
and not hold his hand or snugggle and stuff like that. he says its hard for him too but he knows he cant
do them in order to move on so i tell him why is he resisting whats on his heart and to follow his heart.
and he tells me his heart is taking him two directions.

what the effffff just choose me already.
but nooo.

man im a fool
and im sorry for making u read this.
i feel pathetic and i miss you and
im sorry i talk about him all the time.

im just crazy in the head.